Not eating the baby or eating babies. Because that would be sick and wrong... like eating veal... tasty, tasty veal. I digress. Eating with babies is an adventure. I shall make a timeline in minutes.
0:00 baby has woken up, ready to eat.
0:03 change baby.
0:06 begin feeding baby. parent #1 changes and gets ready to go.
0:13 finish feeding baby, begin burping.
0:25 hopefully finish burping, begin putting baby in a fleece bodysuit.
0:30 parent #2 gets ready to go. parent #1 puts baby in the carseat and prepares the diaper bag.
0:40 stand at the front door and double check that everything is packed.
0:45 load up the car and leave. parent #1 drives while parent #2 sits in back in case baby cries.
1:10 arrive at restaurant. preferably one with quick service and a warm dining room.
1:12 get seated. respond that the baby is a girl and just over 2 months old... named isabel.
1:14 skim menu. pick something that can be served soon and eaten quickly.
1:20 order dinner.
1:21 think of something to talk about besides the baby. sit awkwardly.
1:23 give up and talk about how cute she is. Begin to analyze her sleeping habits.
1:35 realize you've been talking about baby poop for the last five minutes and talk about the news.
1:36 go back to talking about baby poop.
1:45 the food arrives. look embarassed that the server overheard your poop conversation.
1:46 begin eating as fast as possible. rock the baby's carseat with one hand while eating with the other.
2:00 finish eating. look for the hostess.
2:05 get check, pay with credit card
2:06 begin to look nervously at your watch because the baby is starting to stir in her sleep.
2:10 sign check. make your way to the car
2:30 arrive home. wash hands.
2:31 take baby out of carseat.
2:35 change back into sweatpants.
2:45 baby wakes up.
I think that my natural ability to eat quickly, a trait that my wife hates, is a valuable asset.
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